What Do I Want?
A Queerplatonic Partner. That’s what I want. And I don’t understand why it’s taken me this long to come to that conclusion. Whenever I try to explain to allos what I want in place of a romantic relationship, I end up just describing a queerplatonic relationship. And I’ve only just realised that.
I don’t want a boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other. I want a partner. No, not the partner you’re thinking of. Not a romantic partner.
I want a best friend. No, not the best friend you’re thinking of.
I want a life partner. Not a life we share. Two individual, separate lives. Two individual separate paths that just so happen to intersect more often than not.
I don’t want someone to come and complete me. I don’t want a better half. I want someone who can validate what I’ve already made of myself.
I don’t want someone who can answer my questions. I want someone asking the same questions as me. I know that person would, at the very least, have an idea of the life I’ve lead and the world I’ve seen. And they’d know what I need because it would remind them of what they need. Besides, questions are lot less fun once they’ve been answered.
I want someone who can fight my personal strain of loneliness. I don’t want anyone trying to treat me for the same loneliness that society assumes everyone has.
I wouldn’t even care if the relationship appeared romantic from the outside. We’d know it belonged to us, not to romantic culture. Only we would understand what it meant and no amount of fairy tales, rom-coms or friendly dating advice would clue anyone else into what we’d have together.
That’s what I want. Yeah.
10 months later...
I'm not sure if this is still what I want. At least, not right now. I think this is what I want for some version of a future.
Right now, I'm questioning every kind of relationship I've ever had with a person. They were all based on lies. Lies whispered to me by the world. Lies which I echoed back, completely oblivious.
And now, I'm stuck. I feel estranged from past relationships that I once longed to revisit. I'm losing faith in my current relationships. And I'm so reluctant to seek new relationships; fearing I'll unconsciously sing the same lies. Because that's all I ever learned.
Right now, what I want is the space to build a life in which I can RELEARN relationships. Free from lies and whispers.
I am stuck and I want space.
